Becoming Divine


Episode Summary

I know you don't want to, but here's why you should listen to them.

Episode Notes

Fear, shame, and anger are trying to tell you something vitally important. Cultivate the practice of listening to them, because every part of you is valuable, and even your "negative" emotions are useful.  Your shame? It just wants to make sure you are honoring yourself. Your anger? It just wants to make sure you aren't being taken advantage of.  

Let's talk with crisis counselor and certified transformational coach, Benson Fox about why we should be careful with our coping techniques, and how listening to all our emotional advisors means we can live a more balanced life. 

Love the podcast? Make sure you subscribe so you don't miss future episodes that come out weekly! And if you want to dig deeper into how practical applications of spirituality can change your life, why don't you join the Facebook community?

CONNECT WITH BENSON:  website // facebook page // linkedin

CONNECT WITH JULIA: website // facebook page // facebook group // instagram

Episode Transcription


Julia: [00:00:00]  Hi, everyone. Welcome to Becoming Divine. My name is Julia Wesley. I am a professional, medium, and a channel for my guides. And today I have guests Benson Fox with us. He is an experienced and certified transformation coach and crisis counselor. He is a major in psychology from Touro College and currently a doctoral student in psychology at Adelphi University in therapist extern at Brooklyn college.

He helps men and teens gain balance harmony and joy in their personal and professional lives. Thank you so much for being with us.

Benson: [00:00:46] It's a pleasure to be on Julia. Thank you.

Julia: [00:00:48] Thank you. So I know what we wanted to talk about today was about how every part of a person is valuable and useful and how our negative emotions are not our enemies.

I love this topic. Do you want to jump into that?

Benson: [00:01:01] Yeah, you're going to hear a lot in society the language, even within the self-help and wellness community-- mental health community as well-- how we need to move on get rid of all the negativity in our lives. How we need to become fearless today to build a big, bright future for ourselves.

And there's truth to short-term functionality. It's usually best to try to put things aside and to just  get what you need to done.

However, there's a longer-term process of processing our emotions. Of listening to them, receiving them and understanding that they are communications. They're our advisors that are trying to help us and they're advocating for a specific need of ours that's missing. So for example, anger would be  advocating for us to not be treated unfairly.

Shame would be advocating for us to not violate our own boundaries and to take preventative action to that effect. Fear is going to make sure that we're gonna stay protected for potential threats.  Pleasure will tell us to continue whatever we're doing. That's rewarding, good behavior. But the point is they're all at advocating advice into something different.

And our role is to balance our functionality with this deeper processing work. I think we need to maintain that doing  one or the other is not a good idea. But also find a way to become your own internal leader. And that involves finding a way to listen, respect, receive, integrate what they're all telling you.

So that means in the long-term you need to make sure that you're  addressing the underlying needs of the thing that's driving them to offer you their advice. So even if you're not listening to them now, that underlying need needs to be addressed at some point in the future.

Julia: [00:02:34] Yeah. There's a couple of things I want to hit on there. I, what was it? You called it, your internal leader. I like that a lot. And, but first I  wanted to get back to the idea that there's a short-term and a long-term response to a stressor. I think when it comes to something where perhaps you feel overwhelmed or maybe there's fear or even anger, there's the short-term solution of maybe I check out for a second because I don't know how to deal with this. But then there's the need to come up with a longer-term solution of, okay, every time I keep running into this, I get angry.

So how am I going to deal with it? And I think this is in particular, so important for-- I want to call it like the new age community. The little babies who were coming into the world here. And they're finding all of these new spiritual techniques, and meditation in particular, how it's been used to  escape the human experience, which kills me on the inside.

And also the idea that you have to stay high vibe and never engage in anything that's a quote-unquote, lower emotion. And that's spiritual bypassing.

I liken it to  your computer has been infected by a virus, and maybe you don't know what to do with it. You're panicking. You're freaking out. And so as a solution, you're like, I'm just going to unplug it.  I'm going to check out of this. And so in the short term, it seems the problem's been solved because I'm no longer dealing with it at the moment. But it's 2021 and who doesn't need to use their computers.

So when you plug it back in, the same problem is there again. So when you're helping someone come up with a long-term solution, how do you help them relate with those emotions?

Benson: [00:04:10] The first thing is that I do agree with you. That's a valid and potent comparison for bringing out the point that there's no escape from dealing with the emotions.  And they will be there, but the fact that you distracted or disassociated or denied them, the short term, which could have been a good idea-- by the way, I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't because you need it.

So I guess  the first, so that's just a picture of what the short-term versus long-term looks like. But the thing I didn't like from what you said though, was the concept of a virus.  Because I see positive and negative emotions pretty much equally useful.

Every part of us is in my view, a gift from God, I call HaShem.  And there's nothing that's not meant to be. We're not like trying to figure out a way to get rid of it-- but  the way to get rid of it is  pretend that you're  friends. This isn't strategic.

This is about being smart, and being a smart person means you listened to all of your advisors. Like these ones, I'm describing fear, shame, even self-disgust, self-hatred, all these things. These are protective advisors and they're smart and they're advocating for you.

So I think the first step is recognizing that you're friends. And number two is just  listen, and respect what they're saying.  They'll keep trying to get through to you until they feel like you get them. They're for your benefit. And I think once you have that paradigm shift, then  you'll create the space to receive what they're saying. And that space can be done in a professional setting for someone like myself, or it can be done journaling before you go to sleep every night or something like that.

Julia: [00:05:32] And thank you for making that distinction. I, it was probably an imperfect metaphor. What I was thinking of when I gave the virus example is when people turn on the news and they see something upsetting and so they avoid the situation. And so I guess the virus was more an example of checking out of a situation or your exposure to something.

Yeah, and we have a real tendency to, in my community, to not want to look at something that's  painful. Because I think there's a misinterpretation of what those uncomfortable or quote-unquote negative emotions are trying to tell us. So when someone comes  across something that makes them feel discomfort or makes them feel sad, I think what we do is we demonize the situation and completely disengage with it. Which I also think is probably an unhealthy thing to do.

Benson: [00:06:24] Yeah. And I also want to make another distinction when it comes to dealing with these emotions and that is that you have to see them. So we said one distinction is the short term versus the long term. Because part of our human nature is to deny and repress and to disassociate, meaning to put it at a distance from yourself. These are called coping tools and HaShem, God infused us with them because they are also meant to be used. I think the mistake is when you confuse the short-term with the long-term, and you say maybe I will never have to listen to them.

Firstly, as you pointed out, it doesn't go away. So number one, it just doesn't work. Number two is that you're missing out. Let's say you're the CEO, right? This internal leader, some of your staff is missing. So you don't have someone advocating for some aspects of yourself.

Julia: [00:07:12] Yeah. I like that. And in your work, does that go back to the idea of being the internal leader? Are you sort of herding all of your emotions back to yourself?

Benson: [00:07:20] Yeah. It's an anxiety. I say it's not an anxiety attack. It's an anxiety defense. It's very much infused into our culture, the language that we use,  this vilification of our emotions.

One other distinction I do want to make is there's a big distinction between the direct advice it gives you and the underlying need that it's advocating for. So for example, let's say  you're driving on the highway and someone cuts in front of you. It could be your first thought is I want to kill this guy.

A person may think  that's like an evil temptation to kill this person. I don't conceptualize it as that. I would say the direct advice is trying to advocate for you to be safe and to make sure others are treating you in a way where you are safe.

And it could be that the best way of doing so is killing. And  I'm not advocating this, but it could be that is the most effective way is killing a person who was unsafe. But then the way that you balance yourself out is, is there another way of fulfilling it that won't violate any of my other needs, such as not going to jail? By listening to every voice you end up coming up with some type of compromise that meets the most amount of the needs.

Usually, we rarely listen to anyone's direct advice. You're listening to, what's lying behind their advice? And you find a way to incorporate their priorities into your decision.

Julia: [00:08:31] So you're saying let's not just focus on what may be the knee-jerk response or your knee-jerk assumption of what the problem is, and go a little bit deeper into  what's the motivation behind it.

Benson: [00:08:42] Yeah. That's a part of it. And the other part of it  is that realizing that you can listen to them without listening to exactly what they're saying.

Let's say you get  some politician,  goes up, and says what do you want from me? So they're like, oh, I need my job back. They're like we need to stop the trade wars, or whatever they're going to say.

And the politicians could be like, you know what? I think what he's saying is that he wants a better economy. So he has a better chance of getting money for his family. So that's what a good leader does, is they is able to not necessarily get confused by exactly what it's being said. But take what's being said here what's behind it and finding a way of addressing it at  least in the long term.

Julia: [00:09:16] So when it comes to not trying to get rid of any part of yourself, but to integrate yourself, what are some of the most common things that come up for people that you work with that prevent them from fulfilling that work?

Benson: [00:09:29] It's called the human condition. Usually, the unprocessed energies that are parts of the person,  if they were to start processing them in large doses, they would drown.

It needs to be done in a professional setting. We make sure to process it only in the doses they can handle where they're able to maintain functionality. These forces could be so deep that they don't even know that they have something under it.  And then there's other defenses. Intellectual visitation is a major defense of many people. Where they just try to make it into philosophy class or they get very meta.

They're not talking about their experiences. They're talking about talking about their experiences and they're already like five steps from experience because the experience itself is carrying so much pain. So the reason why they didn't get it because they don't want to get overwhelmed and drown in the pain, which is a real possibility.

And that's why part of my approach is you don't just receive the deeper and more painful things. You also need to receive the defenses. You're not looking to find a way to trick and get past them. The visual I like to give is that if you're trying to conquer a city, the most cost-effective way of doing so is not by a battering ram or trebuchet.

Or even like using spies and intelligence and trickery, the most effective way is creating an alliance. And that way they'll raise your flag over their city. You don't find a way to  to trick and get past your defenses.

Listen to what your defenses are saying because they're advocating for something that's also very useful for you. And that is for you not to get trapped, get drowned in this processing work.

Julia: [00:10:51] Yeah. And I go back to your previous point about the language that we use, being very influential, and to how we relate with our emotions.

You use the word conquering, and then you went on to explain what your process would be like that because our understanding of the word conquering. And I do think that we think we have to conquer ourselves and conquer our emotions and our responses to things. But you're saying it's more like just become buddies With what you're feeling and you won't have to go through a war in order to get what you want.

Benson: [00:11:24] Yeah. Great example. Do you see how even infiltrates my language too? I'm saying to create an alliance by use the word conquer. Yes. The language is very much embedded very deeply into its entire schools, how we call it disorders, you label things.

It's so deeply entrenched that even from a wellness perspective, it's almost like a niche. It's unique that this is not what people are talking about. They're not talking about how every part of us is good. How our emotions are communications, that pain is not the problem.

Pain is the one that's telling you about the problem. Pain is the messenger. And the fact that what I'm saying here sounds like something new, reflects how far away we are as a society from it. By the way, I think everyone's meant to advocate for their own needs in their best way.

Society doesn't care about your  self-actualization, fulfillment, that happiness.

What society cares about is that you function. And society should advocate for that because that is what they're meant to have. So that's why they're going to push for things that make you functional.

If you're misbehaving in class, we'll label you ADHD and give you a medication to make you more docile in class. So that way the classroom functions better.  But as the parent that has the child, you shouldn't just go for that. You shouldn't just say, okay, that's good. That's the real problem.

No, say that maybe he's not meant for a classroom setting, maybe his strengths is best served other ways. Maybe if he's misbehaving, there's a reason why he's misbehaving.  And he's being disruptive to class because maybe he's trying to tell us something, maybe something in his life isn't working.

Maybe he's getting bullied. Maybe he's not feeling loved. Maybe we shouldn't just try to shut up that communication. Maybe we should look to receive it and find a way to address and to meet that human first thing, just to respect the communication.

But then secondly, to then find a way of addressing what the communication is, letting us know what need that he has. That's being either unmet or violated in some way.

Julia: [00:13:12] I really liked that example because in particular, ADD or ADHD, and also autism, I think are really great examples of how the people aren't the problem, but the way society is not set up to accommodate different ways of being. Because it does bring to mind that how sometimes when we're not functioning the way society needs us to, or wants us to, and is unwilling to change, to accommodate for us-- that we think that we are the problem.

And then, so we probably demonize the things about us that  make us difficult for the rest of society to deal with.  So do you think that probably leads into a larger reason as to why we have such a hard time dealing with emotions that aren't easy for everyone else to deal with?

Benson: [00:14:02] Yeah. But in, in a way you, you are the problem. Not because intrinsically you're a problem, not in a way that means that you should change anything about yourself. What it means is you're a problem to them. So they will make you into a problem and you are their problem because by you not acting in class the way you should, that's disrupting the lesson. So you are their problems. That doesn't mean you should change anything though, right?  Let's say you, a person puts up like a Christmas tree outside the house and that offends the next-door neighbor.

That doesn't mean just you are their problem because it hurt. It triggers them in some way. So you are their prompt. That doesn't mean you should take down your tree, right?  So it doesn't necessarily require a change. And also society, I think should try to advocate and push the things that create functionality.

But then for you, you don't need to receive it. Just because you're their problem, you don't need to receive their message to then say, you are  a problem that requires changing. That you need to change your strengths or identity to further adapt with society. To a certain degree we need to, but not to the degree where they're labeling you as a person and  forcing you onto medications that you don't need, or things of that.

Julia: [00:15:08] Can you dig in a little bit to the different, unique, negative emotions and what they might be trying to tell us or try to bring to our attention?  Just a little bit deeper. You went into it briefly  in the beginning, but I would like to dig into that a little deeper if you wouldn't mind.

Benson: [00:15:24] Absolutely.  I like to pick the ones that people are most likely to  throw out. So I'd like to pick anger, shame, fear. I feel like those are big ones that people like to throw out, like anxiety attack  people say that  it's like a problem.

I'm like, wow, thank God. Thank God every day you have anxiety because otherwise, you wouldn't be alive.  Because next time you'd be walking down the street and you'd walk into the street. You're like, Oh, what's the problem. And then you get hit by a car. So it's anxiety is the one that's like saying, okay, we gotta be careful.

Let's look both ways. Let's make sure we're being safe.  That's the advisor.

I want to get distracted just for a minute because I'll tell you one other way that people, the language that people use, they call it an emotional decision. When people say you make an emotional decision, do they mean you made some, a wise decision, a decision that's really paid off for you in the long-term?

Are they trying to say you made a stupid decision?  So  the way people refer to the emotions, Oh, I'm not being emotional. I'm being rational. This is a false dichotomy. As if it's binary. I actually believe that our source of our rationality comes from listening to our emotions.

The way I like to say it is that, the emotional decision is listening to one emotion. And by the way, listening to one emotion means you'll fully fulfill that one emotions needs, which is a good thing. But the problem is the cost is that usually if you just fully fulfill one emotion that will come at the cost of hurting the ability for other emotions needs to be met.

But an emotional decision is listening to one emotion. A rational decision is listening to all of our emotions. That get activated from that, that environmental stimulus. So I think that in a sense, the source of our rationality comes from our emotions, but I think there's a lack of awareness or a lack of gratitude towards those.

You don't attribute  rationality to our emotions, but I believe that is how we come to it. Because  let's say, how do we deal with COVID?  So there's one part of us that's, go into a nuclear bunker and wait this one out for the next decade. And there's another part of us that's let's have fun completely ignore it. And then you have integrate. You're like, okay, I have my social needs. I need to find a way to meet on  zoom or I'll go out social distance.

But the point is, that's how you come to a rational decision.

So let me just address your question now. So  fear is going to tell you about any potential threats. I would describe it as like an alarm system. One reason why people distrust their emotions is because our emotions sometimes do act out of balance with our current situation.  And the reason for that is not because they're being irrational. It's because you haven't listened to them.

It's not because you're listening to them too much. It's because you're not listening to them enough. And what I mean by that is, let's say trauma, right?  It's not receiving or processing because you're unable or unwilling to process your emotions at the time that it occurred.

Usually, at a time in your life, it's much harder to process things through the child and then it gets frozen. And then those aspects of yourself, you're still carrying those energies and situations.

So what happens  is then you have a parallel experience where  those same aspects of yourself are being activated. But now it's not only carrying the energy of your current experience, it's carrying the energy of your accumulated on processed experiences as well. So that's what happens when people have a panic quote-unquote attack. They're not only responding proportion to the current situation.

They're responding proportionate to their accumulated unprocessed experiences. Okay. What are your thoughts?

Julia: [00:18:34] So I am actually very familiar with the idea and the experience of a panic attack. And I dealt with depression and anxiety for a very long time.

The only thing that helped me with my panic attack was this idea of a radical acceptance of everything that you were going through. And I actually had to let myself have the panic attack. Instead of trying to fight it off. And I can completely understand what you're saying about when you experienced fear in the present.

If you've spent so much time trying to fight off any previous feelings of fear, they haven't gone anywhere. I still have them. I was just holding onto them until I would let myself experience and then let go of them.  So yeah, I think  that's a really good example. Do you mind getting into shame a little bit?

Benson: [00:19:21] Oh, absolutely so many psychologists let alone society see shame as this toxic force. They call it unhealthy.  I think it's just another one of our many parts that are advocating for its needs and what it's needed. Meaning  one of your needs that it's advocating for is I think is maintaining your sense of boundaries, internal boundaries. And your internal boundaries will be used to be based on your values.

So if you're violating your own boundaries, you're treating yourself unfairly.  And shame is looking to correct that. So let's work with an example.  Let's say you have a belief system that says you can't eat meat, right? And then let's say one day, you're out with your friends and like everyone's ordering these steaks and you're like, you know what?

Today is fine. Then afterwards they're experiencing shame from that. There's a part of you that's saying let's make sure that we're not just trampling on our boundaries. And make sure this was a thought-out change in policy, versus a moment where  one voice of physical stimulation is overpowering our internal belief structure.  We want to fulfill our temptation. There's no problem with that, but we want that to make sure that's in sync with the rest of the system. So that's why it's all about balance.

So in this situation, shame will then be advocating for you. So take necessary steps to protect yourself from either being put in that situation again or ensuring  that when this change was done, it was done in a thought-out way.

Julia: [00:20:38] I like how you used the term internal boundaries rather than external boundaries. So basically you're saying, am I violating my own principles, my own beliefs, what's important to me. Yeah. That's a good distinction to make. So I think sometimes  shame can be precipitated by others' perceptions of us. And do you think  that has a slightly different I guess scope or understanding of how shame is triggered?

Benson: [00:21:05] Yes. So this is really going back to the point that you were saying before, how many times we can have situations where our unprocessed energies are being activated in our current situation. So instead of being a response level 10 out of a hundred, if it's the response level 50, even though our current situation was only a 10.

So we're picking up another 40 points from our previous situations that we have not processed, meaning listen to what the advisors telling us. So in this situation, when you're dealing with fear, with shame, what oftentimes happens is that, and this is how I believe  it's one of the ways intergenerational trauma can occur.

Intergenerational trauma means when you have trauma from one member of the family, oftentimes the same types of trauma passed onto the next generation. And it looks like a repeating pattern. Some people see it through genes. I don't see it through that lens.

I see it through this more of a psycho-spiritual lens. So the psychology aspect of it is that people carrying these unprocessed energies and in many ways it feels like a burden to them, it comes like a burden transfer. Burden again is more negative word, but in a way, it is a weight that you're trying to process.

And you can't process it all at once. What happens is that a child, in order for the parents to continue to protect and provide for them is willing to accept these energies and burdens from their parents and other people in society.

People in society find ways to pass on their own shame to others. So oftentimes the child takes on that burden so that the parent will continue to protect and provide for them.

So in that sense, you go full circle to what you're saying is that yes, that is different because that's not really your shame.  It's not your internal boundaries that have been violated. It's their boundaries have been violated and you're carrying a lot of that.

Julia: [00:22:45] That's a good distinction to make. And do you mind getting into anger a little bit?

Benson: [00:22:49] Yeah. When the IRS sends you something in the mail and you're making $35,000 a year and want to audit you, they're like this isn't fair because that billionaire person over, they're not auditing him.

And you are being treated unfairly in that sense. So anger is going to advocate for you to be treated fairly. Or let's give an example. Let's say someone hits you, but it physically hurts you, anger will be, you let's hit it back because that is what is fair.

If you hit me, then you get hit by me.  So anger will want you to be treated fairly.

Julia: [00:23:19] And because we consider these emotions to be scary ones to engage with, let's just use anger as an example. How does someone engage with anger? In a healthy way in a constructive way.

Benson: [00:23:33] Yeah. So let's use this as an example.

Let's say someone like gets in your face and starts yelling at you.  Anger is going to say, I don't need to be treated like this.  So what anger may want you to do is kill the person physically, or at least beat them up  which is something to consider and something that you should feel like you're willing to do.

I believe that there are no options meant to be prematurely taken off the table, but I'm not advocating for doing it. I'm just saying there should be a sense of physical empowerment, I believe, to feel that's a possibility. And I think many people pretend that it's not and that I think that doesn't serve them.

I think that hurts them to take off. The way you balance out the anger is by listening to more voices. Finish listening to what it's saying until it feels fully heard, then you listened to more voices, and the other voices balance it out.

The other voices will be like, Okay. We don't want to go to jail. Maybe we actually liked this person usually, and we don't want to destroy the relationship completely. Maybe it violates my boundaries to do revenge on someone. And then by listening to those voices, you find a way to then say, okay, you know what?

I'm not going to let him do this to me, but I'm not going to react in that way to it. You're like, you know what? I understand that you're very upset about this situation.

And if I was going through that situation, I'd probably also be upset. You really can't talk to me like this. I respect our friendship, but this is not something you could do to me. And that's how you're using your anger. Your anger is making sure you're not being treated unfairly.  But the way that it's being manifest is not in its purest, most rational form of just fulfilling its needs only, but it's in a way that integrates other voices.

You're making a rational decision, which means that you're listening to all of your emotions, not just one of emotion.

Julia: [00:25:08] That's a good example. And I would appreciate if you wouldn't mind expanding on physical empowerment.

I think that for many people you're right, the belief or the thought that you shouldn't engage, like physically with someone maybe hit them... I can think of certain situations in which, and this might not be considered to be the spiritual perspective, but women, in particular, are afraid to use our physicality to defend ourselves even when we're in an incredibly dangerous situation.

So how did you come to that understanding, and how do you help other people understand that concept at all?

Benson: [00:25:46] The biggest distinction that I make is between the justification for using it versus the possibility of it being very much  okay, I could do that.  So we were bringing up the defenses before. I believe shame is used to protect  our value systems. That shame can overly shame one aspect of ourselves till it's not a voice that's even heard anymore. Or it's very deeply sublimated.

And shame is one of the entities that wants to take that off the table, so that way when you're in that situation, that's not a voice that you will listen to. It's a way for shame to basically protect your value system by removing that possibility.

When you take it off the table, people smell the weakness that's behind that. And they will continue to push forward and infiltrate and violate your boundaries.

Where you feel that empowerment, then that possibility itself is a deterrent to the other person because they know that if they push you enough that  you may go ahead and do it. And that is true. So I think that the mistake people make is that they think that it automatically violates them.

But I think in any value system, there is a line that is drawn. And I think that the shame that surrounds that physical empowerment needs to be processed. And not continue to burden in a way where it's not able to even be accessed, let alone be listened to.

Julia: [00:27:06] I think a lot of the fear sometimes around even contemplating engaging in  physical defense is the idea that maybe escalating the situation to a point where--  let's say my internal belief system is very much about nonviolence as best as I can apply that to my life.

And the idea of punching someone is like completely weird to me. But let's say I am in a really unsafe situation and I need to be able to figure out what the right course of action is physically. Is it, do I run away? Is it, do I stand up for myself?

How do you help people see what's safe? It's maybe paradoxical, but sometimes the idea of using your body physically is seen as unsafe.

Benson: [00:27:52] Yeah. So usually physical, engaging physically with a man for women is not a good idea. Therefore it's smart for a woman to not feel like that should always be on the table.

But I think that you're right, what happens is for many women, is that entity or that aspect gets completely turned off.  What's missing here is it usually there's assets. There are pieces of us that we're not listening to. And the danger of not having your advisors on board, it makes you stupider.

It could be that let's say it's another girl, or let's say, it's a guy that's maybe you could sense you can kick him where it hurts.

And that would neutralize the threat then. But because that physical empowerment voice has been so shamed and shut out and repressed, he's not at the table.

I think this is a great illustration not only of how it doesn't work to get rid of pieces of us but also how it's counterproductive. And it makes you not come to as rational decisions that are anchored in the reality as you would if  they would be there to advise you.

Julia: [00:28:45] That's an interesting thought. Coming from a female perspective, as well as this idea, that violence is something to be avoided at literally all costs-- and I personally do think that if it can be avoided, violence should be avoided. But the idea that using your own physical empowerment helps you be more rational-- it'd be, it's just it's a mind twister.

Benson: [00:29:08] I know because this is a  counter-narrative type of thing. My consistent philosophy is that listening to aspects of yourself makes you come to smarter decisions. The more you listen, the smarter decision, because the means the smarter decision is a way of meeting as many of your needs as you can.

So the more advocates you have for every specific need, the better balance you'll be able to achieve. And you naturally come to the right balance. One of those voices is physical empowerment.  And physical empowerment, by the way, is comparative.

Okay. Where are my strengths? Okay.  I'm a level six strength. What is he? He's a seven. . That's close enough where if I cause them enough harm, he will back off. Okay.  Or it could be no, he's a 10. So then which case physical empowerment will tell you, you know what, this is not a good idea.

Let's back off. Let's just bite the bullet or bluster, whatever it is. But ultimately not allow things to escalate because if it does, then that's going to end badly for me. So physical empowerment, part of it  is being rooted in the reality of your strengths.

But  it will also be seeing the empowerment of others and what are their strengths. And coming to a way to evaluate  if you're if this makes sense for you to allow things to escalate in that way,

Julia: [00:30:18] Could it also be seeing your strengths as something that maybe are typically not seen as strengths?

Like maybe you're really fast or like you have other physical strengths rather than just brute strength, and then maybe playing to those instead, or at least being empowered by them.

Benson: [00:30:34] Oh, absolutely. That's what I said. That's part of the reality is to me, it's like the image that's coming to my mind is like Mario bros.

Do you ever play the Mario Bros Super Cart? So like they give you the different carts and the different players and it gives they show the speed, they show  how much you can take on. And that's, I think that's where our source of our smartness comes from listening to other emotions.

Julia: [00:30:56] Yeah, I like that. That's definitely something to think about. I think probably in general it would benefit people too, especially women and especially women in my community who almost feel disempowered by their body to include it in the 'how do I keep myself safe' conversation.

Listen to my own physical empowerment and to realize that you're not committing some sort of horrific wrong if you're trying to keep yourself safe. I think that's a molehill mountain that a lot of us run into.

Thank you so much, Benson. Did you want to tell people how they can get in touch with you?

Benson: [00:31:33] Yes, definitely. Absolutely. So I'm a transformation coach. This is what we're talking about today. This is how I approach things. So if you're looking, if you find that you at any one of your listeners to anyone here wants to find a way to find better balance in your life.  Realizing how every part of you is useful and  bringing all those voices, your advisors, then reach out a and set up a free consultation, free 15-minute consultation to figure out whether we're a good fit, whether my program meets your needs.

Julia: [00:32:04] Thank you so much, Benson. I appreciate you being here and thanks, everyone. We'll see you next time.